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this particular entry was written in June of 2010. the decision to publish this in my blog was delayed because I need time to convince myself that’s its ok to write about ME. some very sad events took place since then and putting this out there in cyberspace is also a way for me to get myself out of that depressing state. Writing has been my bestfriend lately. It helps me to exorcise some ghosts, lets me get off steam, and hopefully dig whatever sense of humor I have within me. at times like this...i most certainly need it. ***
When I first started this blog, I NEVER intended to write about myself. when my sister first heard im blogging, she thought it would be my personal diary and her reaction was…whaaat...yuck, everybody could read it! at that time i thought, you don’t know me at all sis, I would NEVER reveal my innermost thoughts to the world, specially and particularly NOT to my relatives. Of course, I quickly clarified that it is going to be anything but a personal diary. This blog was suppose to be my punching bag, it was just suppose to host my rants and complaints about social issues. So what am I doing now writing about myself? This is certainly A FIRST for me. its not as if Im going to write anything that would cause a family scandal, or anything controversial. I have enough common sense not to do that. This is purely about a personal observation about nobody else but myself. if in the course of reading this somebody out there feels slighted or anything close it, let me put it for the record that it was never my intention to do that. But what can I do if somebody out there can relate to or may feel alluded to in my thoughts-in-written-form…let the chips fall where they may. I don’t care, my conscience is clear, so be it. Here goes…
Not too long ago, out of nowhere, I found myself wittingly or is it unwittingly compelled to do a bit of self-reflection. I knew that I am not the same person that I was in my early and late teens, but I never realized how much I’ve changed until I was forced to reminisce about the past and face the realities of the present. Some changes are trivial, some seriously significant, but everyone of them duly noted and appreciated by me. I don’t know exactly what had happened, there was definitely no conscious effort on my part to change, i was not the sentimental nor the emotional type, in fact, I was the opposite. I never noticed it then but i was the most cynical, the most selfish and the most impatient person that I know.
In conversations with 3 separate individuals on 3 separate occasions, 2 of them much older than me, some very difficult family situations came up and opinions were exchanged. when I read what I wrote to address those issues and as soon as i uttered the words, I cannot believe what I just wrote and said. I had to remind myself several times that those words came from me. I kept asking myself, was that me...where did that come from? i never imagined that i would one day advice someone about life lessons and that someone thinking im actually pretty good at counselling, ME? i was like, wait a minute, what just happened here? well, the whole thing sort of opened my eyes to who I am now and to the idea that my character and personality could still evolve in the future.
If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you be flabbergasted if this is how you were then and this is how you are now…
…THEN, I always want to get my own way, and, i dislike being told what to do. If somebody tells me to do something like let’s say…study…I would very likely not do that if only to prove a point, that im the boss of me and I would do it only if I want to. I sulk…bigtime, when somebody orders me around, or, when what I want to happen is overruled by somebody who’s word carries more weight simply because this somebody is older than me.
…NOW, I consult my elders when making important decisions as a sign of respect more than anything else. For example, instinctively, instead of openly challenging her authority over me as I did before, I would censor what I would wear in deference to my mother’s sensibilities. I figured, it will not kill me to let her get away with some things from time to time. But, to all intents and purposes, I now usually get my own way, I do what I want to do…usually!
…THEN, I grew up not doing any household chores. There was always somebody else who does and do those things in my home and that’s not me. I don’t even do my own bed. My main “job” then is to drink my vitamins and milk everyday, go to school and study. Ok, ok, im sort of a…spoiled brat!
…NOW, I do my own bed. I clean my own room. I sometimes cook and I wash my own clothes, and I also do the laundry of other members of my family, at least I load it up in the washing machine. In fairness to me, I employ 4 other people whom I could ask to do this, but no, I do it myself!
…THEN, I do not like asking for favors, from anyone.
…NOW, I have accepted the fact that I cannot do everything alone, that there are times when I may have to ask for someone else’s help and I have learned to reluctantly do that.
…THEN, I never studied from grade school to highschool and in most of my college life. I would never pick up a book to study because I was interested to learn, I only do that because I have to get a passing grade, to get my parents off my back. I’ve always loved to read, but never the required textbooks for school. Again, its probably because, I didnt want the choice of books to be anybody else’s but mine.
…NOW , it’s a source of joy for me to learn something…anything new. If im interested in a subject, I research, and read and read and read everything that I could get my hands on. Practically everything is interesting for me to learn something from. I really should have studied history and culture in college, it would have given me joy and satisfaction, instead, i took up commerce because of my warp sense of values in my youth. which brings me to the next one...
...THEN, i thought money is the answer to every problem. it buys you the luxuries you have always craved for, the fame and stature you seek, the financial security that gives you peace.
...NOW , after the fire that ravaged the homes of 2 of my cousins next door, i realized that everything that is of this world is temporary, that we should never allow ourselves to be attached to material things no matter how expensive or rare it may be. its there now, it could all be gone in one minute.
…THEN, true to my Obsessive Compulsive’ness and my Control Freak’ness, I am a perfectionist. I would freak out when things are not done according to my specifications and when a solution to a problem is out of my hands.
…NOW, im still an OC and a CF, but I accept that nobody’s perfect, including me, and I have opened a little bit of “room for mistakes” from the people around me. Meaning, I’ll give you another chance to redeem yourself and you better do it right next time. “Letting go”, “making do” and “that’s just how things are”, are now part of my everyday life.
…THEN, I don’t cry, I just cant’ cry for sentimental reasons. In school, during spiritual recollections, while the rest of class are already in tears, my eyes on the other hand could not even manage a single drop of tear. I can cry from anger and frustration but never for anything mushy or schmaltzy or anything overly dramatic. To me, crying is a sign of weakness that I don’t intend to indulge in.
…NOW, I cry at the drop of a hat. When I hear or see acts of kindness and selflessness, when im faced with national pride, when im touched by God’s love, I just find myself with tears in my eyes. Yes, I have become somebody that I once abhor…I have become a sentimental fool and im so ok with it, I think it makes me more human.
…THEN, patience is a virtue i never had. I have little patience with people who have low IQ, low EQ and the likes. To me, if you don’t get what im telling/teaching you after repeating myself twice, youre not gonna get it, ever, so im outta there. If you’re somebody who does not learn from past experiences because of immaturiy, stubborness or sheer stupidy and therefore makes the same mistakes over and over again, I would not even bother and waste my time with you, I may even ridicule you in the privacy of my own mind.
…NOW, I have more patience with people. in fact, more often than not, I would take time out to explain, to encourage, to guide, to assist in everyway possible as much as I can, until…I loose my patience again because you’re not paying attention :) for short, Im not going to help you if you’re mind is elsewhere, I never said I have become a saint :)
…THEN, I try to avoid and I have little respect for weaklings specially those who do not know how to handle money and are always asking for a loan and does not pay that loan at a specific day agreed upon. my trust, once lost because of the absence of word-of-honor, or because of greed or deceit or whatever, will never be regained.
…NOW, very little has changed as far as my view on this matter is concerned but, if anything, im no longer quick to judge these people. How they ended up with this character flaw, I do not know. Who am I to judge another when I do not know the entire circumstance of the person involved. So, I will remain cautious but…again, I will give them a “little” room for a benefit-of-a-doubt.
...THEN, when something goes wrong and a problem crops up, the first thing i do is to find someone to blame.
...NOW, when something like that happens, the first thing i do is to ask myself first, could the fault be mine? before pointing fingers at anybody i will first examine myself if iam at fault in any way.
…THEN, I do not believe in the phrase, "Forgive and Forget”. I may be able to forgive someone who has wronged me but only IF they asked for my forgiveness AND, IF my temper has subsided which could last for a few days or a few months or even years. BUT, I will never forget what has transpired. If youre spreading lies about me or any of my loved ones, regardless of your age or relation to me, in my world you do not exist, I will not talk to you no matter how long it takes. If im mad at you, you would know it and I wouldn’t even loose sleep over it.
…NOW, I would not be comfortable knowing there is tension between me and another soul. That’s why even if I know that you’re stabbing me behind my back, and, even if you have not asked for my forgiveness, I will take it upon myself to greet you first and acknowledge your presence and I can still treat you graciously. im not averse to the idea of taking the higher road, if only to prove to you and to myself that im a bigger person than you. Stressing about these things causes more damage to me so I’ll let the heavens take care of you. Even if im not confrontational by nature, I will not give anybody an inch if somebody walks all over me or any of my loved ones OR we are openly challenged or insulted in public. If one is a two-faced b*tch, I can also play that game, though, I still wouldn’t be able to forget the kind of person that you are and the evil things that you do. Throwing caution would be a really stupid thing to do in this case, so im not going to do that.
…THEN, I am quite opinionated, I have an opinion on just about everything. And I believe that the only opinion that matters is…mine.
…NOW, I still believe that having an opinion on issues is a good thing, but, I now realize that I am not always right. i dont condemn nor hate people whose opinions are different from mine, in fact, hearing and discussing issues with another person of opposite views can only firmly solidify my beliefs even more, or, rectify a wrong or a misconception that i may harbor as correct.
food-for-thought to those of you who may be classified as a "shallow youth" or an "immature adult", yes, it is still possible. without you even knowing it, your transformation could already be in the works.
In the future, will I add more things in this list? I honestly don’t know. As far as im concerned, im still a work in progress. There are still too many things that leaves much to be desired in me. Without any intention of forcing the issue, I believe that the positive changes will come…in time. To those of you who knows the stresses and pressures that I face everyday of my life, you would understand that for a control freak like me, even if I don’t seek these changes, I NEED to welcome them. The idea of accommodating, indulging, wallowing and nurturing these stresses is out of the question for it is a sure guarantee for depression and madness. I will not allow that to happen to me. I will do what I can to lighten the load of burdens that I carry off my back. I have learned quite a few lessons in my life and one of them is the meaning of ACCEPTANCE and SACRIFICE. I never realized how big those words are until now, how difficult, and at the same time how important it is to understand and fully grasp their meaning and ultimately, embrace them tightly in my life. Am I there yet? I’d say, im halfway there…but I try, and will continue to try…even if it is still a struggle to do that…
